A Year of Tears and Thanksgiving

Today is the one year mark. Hm. The implications in that simple statement flood my mind with a myriad of thoughts and feelings. One year ago today I woke up and had the first seizure of many. I remember the confusion and exhaustion my body felt that day. When I got home late from work that night and laid on the couch crying in my confusion, little did I know how many tears I would shed over the next year.

I used to never cry. At least, very rarely. It was so rare that it was like a marker for that day. “Oh I remember that day! Yeah, because I cried.” Ridiculous, right? I know some people that cry at the drop of a hat. You know who you are. 🙂 But that wasn’t me; I just didn’t cry much.

I could probably count on both hands the number of days in the last year that I haven’t cried. Now you are probably thinking “Wow, what a crybaby.” I know, right? It’s been a rough year physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And I have struggled. And I have cried until I couldn’t anymore- literally, my body started to pass out if I cried.

I have cried tears of pain, confusion, exhaustion, sadness, frustration, and loss.

But I have also cried tears of thanksgiving. I have been thankful for faithful friends to walk with me and comfort me. I have been thankful for wisdom given to doctors and for small kindnesses of nurses. Most of all, I have been thankful for the blessing of being able to read the Word and find encouragement in it:

“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Psalm 56:8-9

It is comforting to know that God keeps track of our tears. He knows our struggle and is actually able to relate with it. He knows what it feels like to weep because of loss and sorrow. I love that last part: What can man do to me? I will readily admit that man can do much to us but it reminds me that no matter what happens in this life, Christ has already won! And we are more than conquerors through HIM. What a thing to be thankful for, right?!

So today, one year later, I celebrate that victory. In this moment, do I feel victorious? Nope. I’m having 3-7 seizures a day, my back is killing me from all the muscle tension, and my head is about to explode. But today, I choose to celebrate in this life, the life that is to come because of what Christ has done.

Today, I choose to be thankful.

 

A Thankful Heart

 

I feel very thankful right now and I think that’s a problem.

I think we have this idea that thankfulness is a feeling.  When things go our way, when we get what we want, we are then thankful.  I don’t think that is God’s idea of thankfulness.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”  1 Thess. 5:18

Oh, it’s so easy to be thankful when we are feeling blessed and loved, when someone does something extra special for you, when you get to visit your family for thanksgiving.  But God calls us to be thankful in all circumstances. When we are homesick or lonely, when our car breaks down, when you receive an unkind look from someone.  That’s when it’s hard to be grateful.  I think it’s a conscious choice we must make. We must DECIDE to be thankful. Are you a saved son or daughter of the King? Then you always have an amazing reason to be thankful to our Savior!  You always have a reason to be joyful and full of gratitude!  No matter what is going on around you, you are blessed beyond belief!

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for sanctification. I am thankful for God’s ever-loving hand that teaches me and brings me constantly closer to Him. I am thankful for the hard lessons that cause me to love Him more. I am thankful for His grace in my life.

I am thankful.