A Real Christmas

This weekend I got to do one of my favorite things of the whole year. The Farm where I used to work was putting on their annual Christmas event and I got to volunteer for it. This event is great- a wagon ride that stops at different scenes where the story of Christ’s birth is told by volunteer actors. The culmination of the scenes is the last one. A simple nativity in a barn and angels singing. The gospel is told at this scene which means that all the thousands of people that come to this event have the opportunity to hear the gospel. I. Love. It. 

Friday went really well but Saturday came around and it was POURING. Torrential downpours, people. And for an event that is outside, it didn’t look like it was going to be quite as much fun that night. But I was reminded that things go on and the gospel is shared no matter the weather. And I prayed. Lo, and behold, we had practically no rain for the tours and as soon as we finished, it started to rain again. Isn’t God incredible??

But this weekend, I also had a good friend of mine say something unusual to me. She asked me why I was smiling so much and said I just looked so happy and she loved it. She said she is so happy and wished her face could show it like mine can all the time.

Gotta admit, I was kind of taken aback for a minute. I had to stop and think. Of course my answer would have been different if this person wasn’t saved but she’s a strong believer and we are good friends. I thought and just realized that somehow, seeing God answer small prayers like clear skies and being surrounded by people I love, doing something I love filled me with a joy I haven’t felt in a long time.

But I think there’s more than that. Growing up, I was the embodiment of the Christmas spirit. I was ALWAYS cheerful, ALWAYS singing carols, ALWAYS excited for Christmas. And that’s a hard expectation to live up to. The last two years, I have felt very depressed and numb at Christmas but I didn’t show it. I felt like I needed to be the cheerful person that my family and friends expected me to be. And I hated every minute. I hated pretending to take joy in my favorite time of year when I felt nothing. I would enthusiastically participate in every Christmas activity and then come home and cry because I felt so empty.

And this morning at church, sitting taking communion, I realized that I wasn’t faking that joy this year.

It was real.

Amidst all the pain and difficulties this year has brought, God has given me his joy for this season and I don’t have to pretend to have it. I suddenly felt so relieved and unburdened.

So if you saw me quietly crying during communion this morning, no worries, they were tears of thankfulness. Just pure gratitude as I remembered all Christ has done for me.

 

Birthday Cookies

Today is my birthday. I woke up this morning at 5am with an unusually bad headache. Like really splitting to be honest. I did not want to be awake and I did not want it to be my birthday. I certainly did not want to get on stage at church this morning for the ministry minute I was scheduled for and excitedly explain how Operation Christmas Child shoe boxes work.

I had made a point of telling Natalie that I didn’t want a point made of my birthday. Honestly it’s been a stressful month. Coming off your parent’s insurance when your work’s insurance doesn’t kick in for a few months is hard and there are a lot of details to figure out. I wasn’t happy about the day and in fact, had pretty much forgotten my birthday was coming up.

But I don’t like to be grumpy when other people are trying to celebrate so when my Sunday School class sang me Happy Birthday, I smiled and thanked them. And I did the same for every sweet person that wished me well. And I successfully got my ministry minute pulled together (with some awesome volunteers!) and smiled the whole time.

I got home from church and tried to give my attitude a stern talking-to, but the screaming pain in my head just made me lay on the couch, wishing I could enjoy the beautiful day outside.

And then suddenly, I got the urge to bake some cookies. I know that sounds weird but I haven’t baked anything for no reason in a while and I (almost in a daze) got up and started getting out the ingredients. It wasn’t until a few minutes later, when the dough was finished and I was getting down my cookie sheets, that I saw what had happened.

I looked down at the dough and realized I had just made the cookies from memory. My memory. I had remembered. This is my Dad’s family recipe and I’ve had it memorized since I was at least 10 but the last time I tried to make them, I had to call my Mom because I couldn’t remember it. And I hadn’t made them since.

Yeah, I know. It probably doesn’t seem like a big deal to you. But it was to me. And I was so thankful that I burst out crying like a little baby.

This has been a hard year. Harder than most people know. And as I sit here typing, I know my problems aren’t all gone (still have a whooper of a headache.) But I am thankful for what God has taught me and for the fact that he is continuing to lovingly teach me.

Even if it’s with cookies.

 

The Pollyanna Project

I used to love the movie Pollyanna. As kids we would go over to my Aunt Tammy’s (who shares a very similar taste in movies as me) house and that was the movie I always picked to watch. I think it was probably her optimism that I liked the most. I was always an optimist and loved that about Pollyanna.

For those of you who (gasp!) haven’t seen the movie or read the book, Pollyanna is an orphan who comes to live with her strict aunt and somehow manages to find the good in every situation and person. She plays this game called “The Glad Game” and no matter what position you put her in, she will find something to be glad about. Of course she has some trouble at one point but I’m going to let you watch the movie and find that out for yourself!

So the other day, I had too much time on my hands to think and thoughts were creeping in about all the things I missed in life and wanted back. I found myself complaining inside. I was getting frustrated, uneasy, and unhappy and finally I had had enough of it. I sat down with a notebook and wrote out every single thing I missed from my ‘old life.’ Every thing I wished was different. Every thing I wasn’t content with. It was almost a full notebook sheet. Things like:

“I miss being able to drive”

“I miss working at the Farm”

“I wish I always felt a passion for devotions and prayer”

And then I turned the page. And for each line on the previous page, I wrote a very specific corresponding thing I was thankful for on the new page:

“I am thankful for so many friends who give me rides”

“I am thankful for my time at the Farm and that I still see my Farm family”

“I am thankful God’s Word is alive and working and he hears me when I pray”

Just like Pollyanna, I came to a point where I sat and stared at one line for a long time, unable to think of anything to be thankful for. Finally, I simply wrote, “I am thankful for salvation.” I’m glad when all else fails that I can always fall back on that and be utterly thankful and grateful for it.

Do you know what I did next? I tore out the first page and threw it away. I’ve done this same thing again since then and you know what I am left with? Pages of thankfulness. Reminders of God’s grace and goodness towards me. It may seem like a silly or simple thing to do but it really has helped. I’m calling it the Pollyanna Project (because who doesn’t like alliteration?).

We have so much to be thankful for, whether it’s big or small things. We just need to take the time to see them and express our thanks.

 

Running Towards Gratitude

I’ve been feeling a little bit better recently. I’m finally starting to see results from my “time out” and I’ve gone from having 5-7 seizures every day to last week having roughly 2-3 a day. Which is awesome!

I’ve been taking a lot of walks recently. And gradually, I’ve pushed myself to go farther and farther on these walks. Sometimes it’s been accidental (I wonder where this road comes out?) and other times I am testing my body and brain to find its limit. Probably not what the doctor would order but…

Anyway, with all this walking, I’ve just been itching to go for a run. It’s been sooooo long and the weather has been beautiful and I thought, surely if I can walk 4 miles, I can do a short run, right? So this morning I woke up feeling a little extra ambitious and thought, this is the day, I’m going for it. I had walked a route yesterday that was about 1.7 miles so I planned to run that same route.

I started out nice and easy and within the first 2 minutes I could feel the pressure building in my head but I wasn’t giving up that easy. I pushed and pushed until it got to the point where I was kind of scared that if I kept going, something drastic might have to happen (like a horrible ambulance ride, ugh.) So I came down to a walk and looked at my running app- 1.02 miles.

Instantly I felt this sense of defeat. Defeat, because I didn’t complete the run and walked back, which I hate doing. If you had told me two years ago that soon I would barely be able to run 1 mile, I would have laughed at you.

But in that walk back home, I had time to pray. I realized that it’s a blessing to be able to do all the walking I’ve been doing in the first place. It’s a blessing that I’m not shut up at home all the time, but can be out and about doing things. And what I really should be doing is thanking God for that one mile, instead of discarding it in disgust. I kind of needed an attitude change and to remember all the things I have to be thankful for.

And so today, I am grateful that I could not complete a run so that God could remind me of his goodness and give me time to thank him for it.

 

Answered Prayers

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I haven’t for a long time now, but I do usually pick something in my life that I need to work on and pray for the Lord to help me in that area.

On January 1st of 2016, I asked God to make me a more compassionate person. I realized that I rated very low on the compassion scale and I wanted to be more tenderhearted and sensitive. You see, I’m usually a get-over-it, you’ll-be-fine kind of person. So I prayed and asked God to teach me how to give more compassion to others in 2016.

Did you know that God doesn’t think the way that we do? You probably did. Actually there is a verse that goes with that, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Well, in MY mind, God was going to make me more compassionate by sending someone to me that really needed compassion and mercy and I would suddenly acquire tons of compassion and have this wonderful opportunity to show it to them. I had it all figured out. But as the verse says God’s ways are not my ways.

Instead, he made it so that I was the person who needed compassion. I needed the people around me to be sensitive and tenderhearted and compassionate. I needed people to care for me, encourage me, and show me gentleness and comfort.

And that’s when it hit me. I didn’t know what compassion was before. If God had done things my way, I wouldn’t have known what to do because I didn’t know how to comfort someone or show them compassion. I needed all those people to teach me and show me first before I could learn to show it to others. I desperately wish I could have learned another way but I know that God’s will is perfect and he is always good.

I am thankful that God placed those people in my life to be living examples of compassion. So you see, God really does answer prayer. I have learned so much about how to comfort others who are going through a difficult situation. I definitely still have a lot to learn and I still pray for compassion often but I am thankful that God didn’t do things my way. I am thankful that his thoughts are not mine and his ways are higher than mine.

 

(You are currently reading a post in a series called The2016Story. If you have jumped in in the middle and would like to start at the beginning, click HERE.)

 

Offering Sacrifices

So where do I go from here, right? I had just spent three days in the hospital without any real results. I had a follow-up appointment scheduled with the neurologist and I told him that the medicine wasn’t working. I was still having seizures. I asked what my options were and sat there in silence as he basically blamed me for the medications not working. He made it sound either like it was my fault or like he didn’t believe me that they didn’t work. Aaaaaannnnnd that was the last time I saw him.

I’m sure it is hard to be a doctor. So much of it is trial and error and it would kill me to watch people suffer who were under my care. I think that must be why so many doctors and nurses have developed the hard, uncaring outer shell. I certainly met some very kind people in the medical world, but they were definitely the exception, not the rule. In fact, they were so few and far between that I could easily tell you each one.

So there I was: answer-less and now doctor-less. Fortunately, I wasn’t Jesus-less! A few days after that appointment, I wrote in my journal:

“Today is the 6 month mark from the first seizure (it was Oct. 10th). Who would have thought it would last this long? Who would have known what God was about to bring me through, to teach me? Which reminds me of a verse I read today in Psalm 50, ‘The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me…’ I so want to be that thankful person! I don’t want to take things for granted. Thank you, Lord, even for the rough times.”

What do you need to be thankful for today? What have you been taking for granted that you can simply pause and thank the Lord for? What is something you have never even thought about thanking God for?

A few days after that appointment, Natalie walked into the office and announced to me that she had gotten an appointment for me at the Cleveland Clinic. And it was less than three weeks away (which is really fast in the medical world for an appointment.) I was so thankful! Thankful for Natalie who worked tirelessly to get that appointment, for the Lord working everything out to get it so quickly, and for the opportunity to visit some of the best doctors in the nation.

 

(You are currently reading a post in a series called The2016Story. If you have jumped in in the middle and would like to start at the beginning, click HERE.)

 

Sleepless in…Dayton (Part 1)

By the end of summer 2016, I had been to two different neurologists and on 4 different seizure medications. I still didn’t have answers. I didn’t even have an official diagnosis. The meds either didn’t work to control the seizures or the side effects were so bad (my body hates medicines) that I had to be taken off of them. I had also been to a homeopathic doctor and there was no help from the natural end of the world either.

So my doctor decided it was time to do the test I had been avoiding for 3 months: EEG monitoring. This is where you go into the hospital for 3-5 days (you don’t know how long you need to be there until they start monitoring and gathering data) and they do a continuous EEG on your brain. I had been dreading this test for a couple reasons: a) they take you off all seizure medication during it and I wasn’t looking forward to that. b) I was going to be missing my favorite week of camp back at work. c) what in the world was I supposed to do in the hospital for 3-5 days hooked up to all these machines??

My mom and sister both came up for the testing and bright and early on August 9th, my mom drove me to the hospital. We got checked in and they started hooking up all the wires to my head and chest and then they wrapped my head to prevent the wires from falling off. The nurse wrapped my head very tightly and she told me that it was because she didn’t want to have to redo it. I actually still have a mark on my forehead from where one of the electrodes was pressed into my head. During the testing you are on video, sound, and EEG record and a tech watches you 24/7. I had this brilliant idea that I was going to use this time to rest my poor body. It needed rest so badly so I planned on getting as much sleep as possible. Since we had had to wake up early to get to the hospital, once everything was hooked up, my IV was in place, and all the nurses left the room, I settled in to take a nap. I was just about asleep when the tech came in the room.

“Hey, honey. You know you can’t fall asleep, right?” Uh…nooooo. “They have you on sleep deprivation right now so we need to keep you awake for roughly 21 hours and then we’ll let you sleep for 4.”

Oh. That would have been nice to know the night before because I probably wouldn’t have stayed up late talking with my sister with this nice thought in my mind of sleeping at the hospital the next day. Suddenly I felt overwhelmingly tired and I was stuck sitting in bed… this was going to be a long day.

When my first meal arrived that day, I bowed my head to pray and said, “Lord, thank you for…” and I started to cry. It occurred to me how unthankful I had been for this opportunity. There are so many people in the world who don’t have access to medical care or the financial means to use it and I had be so ungrateful for my chance to do this testing. I had been caught up in how much I didn’t want to go and how unpleasant it was going to be that I had forgotten to thank God for giving me this chance to find answers.

 

(You are currently reading a post in a series called The2016Story. If you have jumped in in the middle and would like to start at the beginning, click HERE.)

 

Gratefulness

I have been thinking lately about the ten lepers who were healed and the one man who came back to thank Jesus. Grateful people are lacking today. I want to thank God for every thing he gives me so here are five things I am thankful for today:

1. My family- I love them soooo much!

2. Snow!

3. Kisses from my baby brother.

4. My bed. Almost every night when I crawl in bed I say, “Ahhh, I love my bed.”  Not so much that particular mattress, just warmth and comfort in general.

5. Air. I’ve had trouble breathing before and it is not fun, so I’m glad God created fresh air!