What I Wish the Church Knew About Singles

Disclaimer: Everything you are about to read is going to be highly biased. I’m not kidding myself- I know that very well. I know that I’m basing all of this on my own experiences and on the experiences of others in my church. Your experience may be totally and completely different. Feel free to dump my opinion in the garbage if you don’t think it’s true. 🙂 Also there has been such a long break between posts because of how much thinking and praying went into this post.

My family would probably call me a sneaky or snoopy person. I prefer the word observant. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had the ability to somehow…um…gain information that no one else had. For instance, Mom and Dad would be planning a secret family vacation and somehow, I would be the only kid who would knew where we were going. Accused often of eavesdropping (probably true), I like to think that I just happened to overhear things that no one else did. On top of that, I love to people watch. Sit me in a coffee shop and I’m a creeper- extraordinaire. I watch what people do, but more than that, I watch their facial and body expressions. Yup, creepy, right?

So over the last few years, I have gained some knowledge in the area of singles in the church. Not only by being one, but by watching others. And I’m here to share that knowledge with you all. This is not a desperate cry for HELP! nor is it a guilt trip for the church. I’m not trying to sound petty or sarcastic, although it may come across that way at times. Please take it as a friendly post from a friendly person. Here goes:

1.  Singles are not scary human beings. This may seem like an odd thing to say but I have a reason. I think it’s pretty “stereotypical” for singles to complain about being left out of things at church. I also think that hospitality is one of the least taught on commands in Scripture. Let me say this: It is VERY rare for a single person to get an invitation to a family’s house for dinner. I think people feel awkward inviting just one person over. But several times I have seen it happen that as soon as there’s a couple, it’s easier for others to invite them. But the Bible commands hospitality to all, even strangers. Not just those you are comfortable with.
2. Singles LOVE kids! This is along the lines of the last one. Most of the singles I know in my church love to be around kids. I asked for advice when writing this post and my best friend said that even to be invited over to a family’s house with the parent’s still there (AKA, not always to babysit) and just to hang out with the family. She mentioned reading stories to the kids and playing with them. Just being a part of the family.
3. We are busy people too. This one might get a lot of “but, but, buts” coming from people. I’m saying it with a grain of salt so take it that way. Listen, we ALL have the same 24 hours in our day and we ALL choose what to do with those hours. After work, singles can choose whether they will stay home and watch Netflix, just like parents can choose how many sports their kids will participate in. Sometimes there is an assumption that if you are single, then you MUST have an abundance of extra time on your hands and you absolutely must be using that to serve or you don’t love Jesus. Now there is some truth that we don’t have a family and kids to take care of but there are singles I know that are some of the busiest people and it IS with serving! Yet they are always expected to do more because they are single.
4. Singles are adults. I hear a lot of unhelpful/untrue statements from married people. Things like, “It’s such a shame that some guy hasn’t snatched you up yet” or “You’re going to make a wonderful wife” or “God has the right guy out there for you.” These statements give us the idea that singleness is just a transition state and actually lend towards discontentment. Also, you do not know whether a person will get married or not. It’s not up to you! Please leave the matchmaking to God and treat singles as full adults, instead of something hanging in between teens and married adults.
5. Singles know we don’t know everything. After reading this post, you may be thinking, “You sure don’t!” Haha that’s ok. I know it. I’m thinking of one area in particular. A lot of times when you hear singles talk about marriage, if a married person is around, you will almost surely hear them pipe up, “Hey! It’s not all it’s cracked up to be!” Or something along those lines. First off, thank you for making God’s covenant design look soooo appealing. -_- Secondly, we aren’t 12 anymore. We have real expectations of marriage. We don’t expect Disney marriages. We know that marriages happen between two sinners and there are bad days, months, even years. We know that there are dishes to do, toilets to clean, bills to pay. And that’s not even adding kids into it! We know that getting married is complicated. But think back to when you were single…did you desire to be married then? Please realize that YOU are our example of Christ’s union with the church and we need good examples. They are few and far between. Actually, my best friend and I tried to think of some really good marriages (knowing that it’s only what we see from the outside) that we would look at and say, “Yeah, I would want my marriage to look like that.” We thought for a looonngg time and barely came up with two out of all the couples we knew. Please remember that none of us know everything and we can all learn from each other.

If you made it this far, congrats and thank you. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time as I watch the singles I know and I observe my own heart. By God’s grace, I’m praying we all grow closer to each other as we get closer to Christ. Feel free to comment below with any thoughts you have.

 

Shifting Ideas

It’s amazing to me how God molds us.  How we think we’ve got our lives planned out the way we want them and then he gives us something totally different.  It’s hard to grasp, to conform ourselves to God’s way and the opportunities He has set before us rather than our own plans.

Now, if you’ve read this post, you know about my love and passion for home.  I thought I had it all figured out. I wanted to stay home and be a blessing to those around me.  If God chose for me to marry someday, fine.  And if he had other plans, fine.  I had learned that contentment is found in the Lord and not in circumstances. I was enjoying my time serving my family and church family.  I was home, where I loved to be and with the people I loved, serving the God I love.

Then came summer and my service changed forms. I was five hours away from home, working 6 days a week.  I had amazing opportunities to share Christ’s love with those I had never met and to grow in my faith as well.  At times, I was very homesick and there were times when I learned about things that I didn’t want to know, but the rewards far out-wayed the costs.

Before camp was even over, I was asked to consider becoming the camp secretary. Wait God, that wasn’t the plan. How can I leave home and my family?  I talked to my parents and they were all for it.  A new, great opportunity to grow in Christ’s love and to serve him in a different environment than ever before.  I was still torn.  I remember calling home one day and I talked to Bethany.  She said, “Mommy told Becca and me that you might be staying at camp and you will NEVER come home again.”  I remember talking to Mom (who quickly set Bethany to rights about the whole thing) crying and telling her that I didn’t want to become one of those big sisters whose younger siblings barely know. I wanted them to know me, not know about me.  To be close and for us to be able to know what the other is thinking and feeling.   My mom is so comforting.  She told me of the great ways she was planning for us to stay in touch and it was because they loved me so much that they didn’t want me to leave.

God slowly helped me grasp the idea.  In the process, He has caused me to rethink the idea of a stay-at-home daughter.  I reread that post I wrote before and found this line:

A stay-at-home daughter is one who has chosen to stay under her Dad’s and Mom’s protection…

I thought about that and realized something: it’s still true.  You can live five hours from your parents and still be under their protection and authority.  You can be a stay-at-home daughter and not live with your parents.

Like so many other things, it’s a heart issue.