Listening to Rap

If you had told me ten years ago that in 2019 I would be writing a blog post about Kanye West, I would have laughed in blissful ignorance and then asked, “Wait, who’s Kanye West, anyway?” If you had told me five years ago that I would be writing a post on Kanye West I probably would have said very seriously, “So how bad is it?”

And yet here I am. Not only writing a post on the famous singer, but writing it after having listened to his latest album 4 times in the last week.

To give you some background, Kanye isn’t my style. To say the least. I held out for a long time on this album because I was sure I wouldn’t like it. I despise rap music and have exactly ONE rap-ish song in my running playlist. That’s all. I don’t even know any others. But eventually all the various opinions on his album got to me and I decided I needed to hear the music myself. If you aren’t quite up to speed or have NO IDEA who I’m talking about, maybe do some research on this man. It’s fairly interesting.

So last week as I was driving home from work, I bravely opened Spotify and searched for Kanye’s Jesus is King album. And I started it. I quickly discovered that THIS is the kind of music subwoofers are built for and mine needed to go all the way down. 🙂

I. Was. Floored. As I listened I sat in amazement at the words I was hearing. Had I really picked the right album? Was this the same person? By the third song I was wiping tears from my eyes as I thanked God for the incredible ways he changes hearts! Over and over again I realized that is a brother of mine in Christ! This man literally had another song where he sang “I am a god” and now he’s singing “Jesus is Lord!” from the rooftops!

There has been a lot of criticism from the church about the theology of his lyrics. But what I heard was a new believer working out his faith. To be honest, I heard more direct gospel and more about Jesus in his songs than some other Christian artists I listen to.

I’m so thankful I listened. Rap music isn’t my style but Christ-music always is. It caused me to pray harder for this believer and it made me cry out praise and thanksgiving to our Savior! Who would have thought??

 

It is Well

This morning, at 7:28am, I got a text from my best friend saying that a package was supposed to be delivered to my apartment around 7:30 so I probably wouldn’t want to get in the shower or anything. Sooo what I actually did was jump up, threw my morning hair into a messy bun, and scrambled into some semi-decent clothes, just in time to hear a very signature knock at my door. The knock gave it away because Natalie always knocks the same way and then I knew it was actually her and I needn’t have bothered.

She came because today marks 2 years from that very first seizure. It seems like sooo much longer than that- years longer. Two years ago, my life changed and went in a direction that I never expected. So she brought me an inside joke gift:

If you read this post, then you know she did this once before when I hit another significant mark throughout this journey. Anyway, it was a great start to my morning! She is the best.

But today I want to talk about how epilepsy has effected yet another area of my life that I took for granted.

I have always loved music. I used to play piano, I took flute lessons for seven years, and it was a pretty rare day that we didn’t listen to some sort of music as kids. As an adult, I used to listen to music while I ran, while I cleaned, cooked, worked, etc. Almost constantly, I guess. It kind of ran my day.

Music is still very important to me but I have trouble listening to it now. My mind has trouble concentrating on things while listening to music and I almost CRAVE absolute silence. It’s really rare now for me to just turn on music as a background noise unless it’s for other people. That being said, I’m about to reference music and songs a lot, because they mean a lot to me. 🙂

A song that is pretty popular right now and I actually really like is Even If by MercyMe. It is reminiscent of Job in my mind:

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

There is another line of that song that says, “Give me the strength to be able to sing, It is well with my soul.” I didn’t learn the truth of this phrase until recently. I grew up singing the song It is Well and my current church sings it every so often. But it wasn’t until this past year that I stood up to sing it and my mouth closed as I realized I would be lying if I spoke the words. As I stood there in silence, it occurred to me that it wasn’t well, it wasn’t okay! I was hurting in several different ways and It. Wasn’t. Well.

I knew it should be. You don’t have to tell me what the meaning behind the words is. I know about eternal perspective and focusing on Christ. But sometimes, temporary issues (whether they are physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or all put together!) cloud our vision of Christ. Some days, it’s REALLY hard to say, It is Well. Which is one reason I love the line from Even If, “Give me the strength…” Yes, Lord! How could we possibly be okay with earthly troubles unless God gives us the strength to lean into him?? Unless he gives us the strength to say (and mean) It is Well??

There have been quite a few songs that have helped me over the last two years. I’m going to reference one more. The chorus goes like this and pretty much sums up my life:

If I ever needed grace, it’s now
You are strong when I am weak, somehow
I am weak enough to see
I need You to cover me
If I ever needed grace, it’s now

 

(Jimmy Needham, If I Ever Needed Grace)

 

A Pause in the Music

Around one year ago, I posted this on my Facebook page:

“Often in a piece of music there appears a pause. The pause is put between the notes for effect and to emphasize the beauty and majesty of what is coming next. Sometimes God adds a pause into the constant rhythm of our busyness and gives us time to focus on Him. Just like in a great piece of music, without the pause we would not be able to see the beauty of what is coming and what God has planned to do in us and through us. Let us rejoice when we find ourselves in one of life’s pauses. Let us seek Christ, wait on the Lord, and choose to glorify Him. Let us rest in God’s goodness and faithfulness and allow Him to mold our hearts so that our perspective is changed when the rhythm of the music starts again.”

I wrote that after a conversation with my best friend based on something she had read (giving credit where it’s due here, people).

Today, I find myself about to enter into a pause in life. At the end of August, I will be leaving a job that I having worked at and loved for 4 1/2 years. A job that I have poured myself into with all my heart and energy. A job where my co-workers are my family and I love them as such.  A job where we speak freely about Christ and impact others for the kingdom.

It took a lot for the Lord to bring me to this point. I remember last summer, crying as others around me were pushing me to work less and I felt like I had already given up so many things that I loved. I cried out to God and begged him (or perhaps told him?) to allow me to continue working. That he could have everything else, but not my job. Don’t ever tell God something like that. 🙂

But over the last couple months it has become very clear to both my doctor and finally to myself that this isn’t working. Something has to change. My brain is losing its capacity to handle multiple things at a time and that is basically what I do all day long. And so it’s stressful because I can’t manage things anymore. Which leads to seizures. Which make my head hurt and then I can’t focus. And it’s this never ending cycle that meds aren’t beating. My body has never had time to recover since all this started, which happens to be 15 months ago today.

So what is the plan you ask? The plan is rest. I will be done at my current job at the end of August but still plan to live in the area. I have promised to take at least one month off of all work and see how my body responds and if the meds start to work with a little less stress on my brain. My prayer is that that month becomes one of healing and of drawing closer every day to our Savior.

And so currently I’m in the middle of a full force symphony, but I am with mixed emotions waiting for the day when God brings that pause.

 

A Daily Prayer

So I have started writing a post numerous times but every time I just get so tired that I never get to finish it. This is not that post. That one will come. 🙂 Sometime…

I have had a lot on my mind lately and this prayer by Matt Chandler has been one that I have said often:

“My prayer, then is, ‘Lord, help me rejoice in You in this moment. Because I know You are in control. I know You love me; I know You love my family. And I don’t understand what You’re doing, and I don’t know how things are going to work out. But help me to acknowledge that if I have You, I have everything.'”  -Matt Chandler, To Live is Christ, to Die is Gain

I love that quote. I say it to remind myself that it’s okay not to know how it’s going to work out. I remind myself that God’s love is unchanging, undying, and he won’t leave me. I remind myself that his sovereignty is my hope and that somehow, with Christ, there IS a way to rejoice and find that hope in the midst of difficulties.

And that’s what I have for you today. That, and this beautiful song to encourage you to find your hope in Christ and what he has done for you.

 

Beautiful Song

I love this song!

 

O how He loves you and me
O how He loves you and me
He gave His life, what more could He give?

O how He loves you
O how He loves me
O how He loves you and me

Jesus to Calvary did go
His love for mankind to show
What He did there brought hope from despair